50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”

I can’t have a bad day if there’s a “Jersey shore” Marathon on

Surely God is not so cruel to introduce me to my musical soulmate and then take him away

And the dick!!!!
Damn it
It’s official
I’m an atheist

I don’t think I’ve ever met a male Aquarius who wasn’t a total drama queen

Found these while clearing out cabinets in the kitchen. Damn, mom and dad.


everything you love is here


65 - A Parks & Rec Tip the Waiter Special! 

The past couple weeks, I’ve been leaving these as tips at various coffee shops I’ve been visiting. Started with Ron Swanson (which I’m reposting here, just to complete the set) and just snowballed from there! The baristas seem to enjoy them, even if they’ve mostly never seen the show (shame on them!), so maybe I’ll keep on going, just so I can get to Anne and Gary/Jerry/Larry and round out the gang!

Today, it was a cop who actually told me if he ever caught me with drugs, he’d arrest me

So that’s where my life is at the moment

I jokingly told my friend once I got up to 36 dicks, he could be number 37 cause of our shared love of “clerks”

but each week that passes, I get closer and closer and I really don’t wanna give in to that

I’m having too much fun to stop so I’ll be needing one of you to take care of him



Downtown Ktown